My Love, my Brighteyes.
It has been exactly seven years since the sudden death of my father, when I was thrust into the role of the sole caregiver of my mother, who was by then suffering from dementia and severe disability. As I was soon to find out, her health problems were partly caused by the continuous intake of sedatives and sleeping pills, which were practically force-fed to her by my abusive father, so that he could continue completely unchecked with his whoring and gambling.
The last few years of his life had been hellish for us both. You remember those endless phone calls, when we were trying so hard to make a living in a country that was falling financially and socially apart, where he was yelling and screaming at me, blaming me for all the mishaps in his life, that I had betrayed and abandoned him by marrying a guy he did not approve and moving to another city far away.
At some point we were both so close to the brink of giving up on this world that we decided to launch together this beautiful blog of ours with love and abandon, to say our final good-bye, you had even prepared some e-mails that would be send at the right time to some of our estranged relatives in an effort to leave some explanation behind.
The care for my mother provided us with a small yet relatively steady income, which allowed us to survive, while I had to learn how to handle the huge mess my father had left behind, be it health, finances, taxes, the list is endless, and seven years later we are still battling with some of the old issues, paired now with new challenges, as my mother is getting more and more fragile.
All the way through the early years, you were always there, my pillar of strength, my sustenance, keeping me when I was faltering, holding me when I was despairing, loving me beyond measure, like you always did from the first day we met, so many years before. If it weren’t for you, I would not have made it, you helped me rise to the occasion, you fought at my side, my safe haven amidst all those storms. You helped me build a wonderful and loving relationship with that remarkable young woman, who through God’s Will found her way to my mother’s doorstep and for an affordable fee became her second immediate caregiver, allowing us to maintain a certain degree of independence, to stay in loving solitude and togetherness in our own four walls, where we could replenish and recharge. That amazing woman has become a true sister to me and a loving second daughter to my mother, steadily and tirelessly accompanying us through thick and thin, our lives now thus lovingly intertwined that we are all mutually there for each other, without question or hesitation. I am so grateful for both of you.
All these obligations had a heavy toll on me. I have spent so many sleepless nights, trying to find solutions to a never-ending array of problems, which were always popping out at the most inconvenient and difficult times, endlessly reading on proper care-giving, dementia, the proper use of pharmaceuticals, proper dieting for disabled people, taxation laws as I had to manage my mother’s obligations in two different countries, and so much more. I discovered I had a natural knack for things I never thought possible before, yet I had to immerse myself completely to get two different households running as smoothly as possible. My days were dominated by doctors’ appointments, paying bills, talking for hours on the phone with my mother and my new sister, offering advice, instructions and psychological support whenever needed. Your steady and loving hand was always there, supporting me, taking on willingly many of our own household chores, offering advice wherever you could, driving me on our frequent journeys to my mother’s, helping even there with so many things, but the main job was on me. At times I grew weary, I despaired, I had many fears about what would happen next, I often felt depleted and empty, and then your smile and warmth brought me again back to life and I enjoyed with all my heart our precious moments of togetherness.
As the pace of our new found circumstances finally started to slow down a bit, and some routine kicked in, as some things became more familiar and somewhat easier to tackle, our beautiful blog started to bloom and so did you. You found yourself in a loving community, being finally able to share your innate light with others, after all those long years of loneliness and broken relationships due to both our abusive families, wounds that were slowly healing through our mutual love and strong bond of our souls that so often had transcended time and space in those early years of our union, when we had been forced to stay apart for over two years. I had to retreat from blogging, I didn’t have the energy anymore, but you with your seemingly endless leonine energy went on to create pure and amazing new relationships that helped you bloom even more, bringing out all the beauty and the wisdom you possessed inside, and sustained you, and through you me also. I rejoiced with each one of your steps, even though I could not follow that efficiently your ever quickening pace and my heart sung with all the joy and fulfillment you were offering others and receiving back yourself. I entrusted you fully with the administration of our blog, to make it completely yours, to show the world who you were and to leave your mark. My presence was not important, it was you who had so much to offer. I am sorry if I sometimes could not show you in a more enthusiastic way my joy, but you know that I was feeling it and rejoicing with you.
But then something began to change. I guess that sometimes when a gifted and openhearted person like you reaches out to the world with such purity, it will also attract impurity. I don’t even remember exactly when this acquaintance began, but I do remember you talking with warmth and compassion about a young female blogger, whose long list of plights in her life had shaped in her some of the same psychic powers you yourself possessed, as you grew up in a violently abusive and intrusive home and through years of sickness as a child due to ongoing tensions, you developed an ability to connect to certain astral planes for comfort and outlet. Though you never lost that connection and despite the natural attraction to those other states of being, you firmly decided from a young age to never explore further this realms, to devote yourself to the highest Source and never fool around, as your innate wisdom advised you against this temptation to play god, when our purpose here on Earth is to go fully through the human experience with all its joys, sorrows and plights until it is divine time to reunite with our Source, never forgetting our connection to it, but also never rushing things. We both felt so much deep compassion for her. How were we both fooled.
But as humans we often tend to forget and we often lose our connection to our inner self, and so certain things in us, yearnings, desires, attachments and traumas, instead of being worked through and burnt off, remain intact, creating dark spots in our soul, which we are ignorant of, dark spots that can be preyed upon by impurity.
So even you could not be spared. You stumbled upon impurity, in the form of a sweet-looking, rosy-cheeked and seemingly helpless young seeker of truth and spirit, and got lost, with devastating consequences for us and others. But no deed goes unnoticed by God, and He, according to His divine plan, will allow certain transgressions to go only so far. But the pain is always excruciating, pushing us to our very limits and often divine intervention seems non-existent. Or so we think.
So you stumbled upon an enchantress of words, a manipulator of cosmic and psychic energies, whose eloquent verses started seducing you, whispering to you about seemingly innocent realms of bliss and beautiful new dimensions of Oneness. It was a slow and insidious process. She fed you with poison that tasted like sweet heavenly nectar. She clouded your vision and twisted your perception, you could not see her for what she was, you followed her like an innocent little child that trustingly takes the hand of his smiling abuser and follows him into that lone dark alley for the unthinkable to take place. She raised your own inner demons back to life and feasted on your dark spots, luring you to astral practices with sexual energy, which is so easy to tap into.
When I realized something was totally wrong, it was too late, you were hooked, but I also could not see clearly, because your love had never abandoned me, and yet something was different. I began experiencing psychic attacks, which were robbing me of the little energy I had left, I began receiving warning signs, divine cues about what was going on, but I could not pinpoint it with certainty. You became cold, emotionally absent, burying yourself in more productivity when I was around, with beautiful and wise teachings that filled our blog with beauty and light, but something was boiling under the surface, because light is not supposed to build walls and you were frantically building them, enclosing yourself somewhere where I could not reach you. I started noticing other patterns of behavior too, but you became a master of concealment, so elegantly and efficiently that I could not prove anything. Through my dreams I started receiving even more signs, I confronted you several times, but the strength of your masculine ego matches your purity and you could not be cracked open. Through your poisoned perception you even started to see me almost as an enemy, targeting me, accusing me sometimes of insane things, of supposedly not wanting to see the purity and harmony of all. Still your love never died, but it was often accompanied with inflicting pain on me. My despair grew with each passing month, my own health deteriorating, I was on a road to almost self-annihilation. I prayed and prayed for protection and healing.
Then, some time ago came an act of God, I cannot describe it otherwise, which you also recognized as such and something began to shift in you. I felt you resisting something that was obviously deeply hooked in you, I felt your pain, I saw your beautiful shiny eyes becoming dark and bleak, at times you denied yourself necessary nourishment or sleep, you were struggling, your light was almost diminishing. Can the sun ever lose its light and warmth? Yes, when star death is imminent. But you did not die, you became gentler and softer with me, the tender man I have been loving for almost half of my life. The psychic attacks towards me started subsiding. But still you would not let me in and yet I was so grateful that we were entering more peaceful times, although I could still feel hooks in you. Several months passed by. Then came some serious situations regarding my mother and we both were very occupied and my loving and helpful husband was again there by my side. The little blogging time you had left was now truly offered up to Source, to true light and love.
After the multiple problems with my mother were dealt with and we were back again in our own home, after a while you started struggling again against something that seemed to exercise an even stronger pull on you. I started fearing for your well-being, and at the same time I felt fed-up and totally done. Then another crisis involving my mother appeared and I concentrated now solely on this, leaving you completely in the hands of God, since I could no longer do anything for you and you were still resisting all my efforts to get through to you.
And then about two months ago, when time was right and you were ripe to be cracked open, divine intervention came. Swiftly, totally unexpectedly and with the might of a supernova explosion, finally burning off the rest of your hooks, your dark spots, your illusions, everything came to light, everything was purged. A veil was lifted from your eyes and you could finally see clearly again, you could see me again and the sacrilege of the whole situation. I am grateful and in awe.
Beloved brothers and sisters of Leon,
before me stands a changed man, more beautiful than ever with his true light restored again. Of course there is still much working through to be done, a lot of healing to take place, after all this whole situation has been torturing us for some years. And I was mortified to hear from Leon’s own lips that even our beautiful blog had been desecrated, as he on a few occasions misused it to convey cryptic messages of desire and adolescent fantasies to the one who was abusing so much her own powers and turning another light of God into something dark and obscene. Unfortunately some psychic attacks are still taking place on occasion, causing Leon and me to feel sick and having twisted dreams, so I would like to send out a plea to you, to all of you who have loved and supported Leon all these years, to pray for us, for healing and protection. The transgressor will be dealt with by God. No deed goes unnoticed by God.