Where do I begin…

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My Love, my Brighteyes.

It has been exactly seven years since the sudden death of my father, when I was thrust into the role of the sole caregiver of my mother, who was by then suffering from dementia and severe disability. As I was soon to find out, her health problems were partly caused by the continuous intake of sedatives and sleeping pills, which were practically force-fed to her by my abusive father, so that he could continue completely unchecked with his whoring and gambling.

The last few years of his life had been hellish for us both. You remember those endless phone calls, when we were trying so hard to make a living in a country that was falling financially and socially apart, where he was yelling and screaming at me, blaming me for all the mishaps in his life, that I had betrayed and abandoned him by marrying a guy he did not approve and moving to another city far away.

At some point we were both so close to the brink of giving up on this world that we decided to launch together this beautiful blog of ours with love and abandon, to say our final good-bye, you had even prepared some e-mails that would be send at the right time to some of our estranged relatives in an effort to leave some explanation behind.

The care for my mother provided us with a small yet relatively steady income, which allowed us to survive, while I had to learn how to handle the huge mess my father had left behind, be it health, finances, taxes, the list is endless, and seven years later we are still battling with some of the old issues, paired now with new challenges, as my mother is getting more and more fragile.

All the way through the early years, you were always there, my pillar of strength, my sustenance, keeping me when I was faltering, holding me when I was despairing, loving me beyond measure, like you always did from the first day we met, so many years before. If it weren’t for you, I would not have made it, you helped me rise to the occasion, you fought at my side, my safe haven amidst all those storms. You helped me build a wonderful and loving relationship with that remarkable young woman, who through God’s Will found her way to my mother’s doorstep and for an affordable fee became her second immediate caregiver, allowing us to maintain a certain degree of independence, to stay in loving solitude and togetherness in our own four walls, where we could replenish and recharge. That amazing woman has become a true sister to me and a loving second daughter to my mother, steadily and tirelessly accompanying us through thick and thin, our lives now thus lovingly intertwined that we are all mutually there for each other, without question or hesitation. I am so grateful for both of you.

All these obligations had a heavy toll on me. I have spent so many sleepless nights, trying to find solutions to a never-ending array of problems, which were always popping out at the most inconvenient and difficult times, endlessly reading on proper care-giving, dementia, the proper use of pharmaceuticals, proper dieting for disabled people, taxation laws as I had to manage my mother’s obligations in two different countries, and so much more. I discovered I had a natural knack for things I never thought possible before, yet I had to immerse myself completely to get two different households running as smoothly as possible. My days were dominated by doctors’ appointments, paying bills, talking for hours on the phone with my mother and my new sister, offering advice, instructions and psychological support whenever needed. Your steady and loving hand was always there, supporting me, taking on willingly many of our own household chores, offering advice wherever you could, driving me on our frequent journeys to my mother’s, helping even there with so many things, but the main job was on me. At times I grew weary, I despaired, I had many fears about what would happen next, I often felt depleted and empty, and then your smile and warmth brought me again back to life and I enjoyed with all my heart our precious moments of togetherness.

As the pace of our new found circumstances finally started to slow down a bit, and some routine kicked in, as some things became more familiar and somewhat easier to tackle, our beautiful blog started to bloom and so did you. You found yourself in a loving community, being finally able to share your innate light with others, after all those long years of loneliness and broken relationships due to both our abusive families, wounds that were slowly healing through our mutual love and strong bond of our souls that so often had transcended time and space in those early years of our union, when we had been forced to stay apart for over two years. I had to retreat from blogging, I didn’t have the energy anymore, but you with your seemingly endless leonine energy went on to create pure and amazing new relationships that helped you bloom even more, bringing out all the beauty and the wisdom you possessed inside, and sustained you, and through you me also. I rejoiced with each one of your steps, even though I could not follow that efficiently your ever quickening pace and my heart sung with all the joy and fulfillment you were offering others and receiving back yourself. I entrusted you fully with the administration of our blog, to make it completely yours, to show the world who you were and to leave your mark. My presence was not important, it was you who had so much to offer. I am sorry if I sometimes could not show you in a more enthusiastic way my joy, but you know that I was feeling it and rejoicing with you.

But then something began to change. I guess that sometimes when a gifted and openhearted person like you reaches out to the world with such purity, it will also attract impurity. I don’t even remember exactly when this acquaintance began, but I do remember you talking with warmth and compassion about a young female blogger, whose long list of plights in her life had shaped in her some of the same psychic powers you yourself possessed, as you grew up in a violently abusive and intrusive home and through years of sickness as a child due to ongoing tensions, you developed an ability to connect to certain astral planes for comfort and outlet. Though you never lost that connection and despite the natural attraction to those other states of being, you firmly decided from a young age to never explore further this realms, to devote yourself to the highest Source and never fool around, as your innate wisdom advised you against this temptation to play god, when our purpose here on Earth is to go fully through the human experience with all its joys, sorrows and plights until it is divine time to reunite with our Source, never forgetting our connection to it, but also never rushing things. We both felt so much deep compassion for her. How were we both fooled.

But as humans we often tend to forget and we often lose our connection to our inner self, and so certain things in us, yearnings, desires, attachments and traumas, instead of being worked through and burnt off, remain intact, creating dark spots in our soul, which we are ignorant of, dark spots that can be preyed upon by impurity.

So even you could not be spared. You stumbled upon impurity, in the form of a sweet-looking, rosy-cheeked and seemingly helpless young seeker of truth and spirit, and got lost, with devastating consequences for us and others. But no deed goes unnoticed by God, and He, according to His divine plan, will allow certain transgressions to go only so far. But the pain is always excruciating, pushing us to our very limits and often divine intervention seems non-existent. Or so we think.

So you stumbled upon an enchantress of words, a manipulator of cosmic and psychic energies, whose eloquent verses started seducing you, whispering to you about seemingly innocent realms of bliss and beautiful new dimensions of Oneness. It was a slow and insidious process. She fed you with poison that tasted like sweet heavenly nectar. She clouded your vision and twisted your perception, you could not see her for what she was, you followed her like an innocent little child that trustingly takes the hand of his smiling abuser and follows him into that lone dark alley for the unthinkable to take place. She raised your own inner demons back to life and feasted on your dark spots, luring you to astral practices with sexual energy, which is so easy to tap into.

When I realized something was totally wrong, it was too late, you were hooked, but I also could not see clearly, because your love had never abandoned me, and yet something was different. I began experiencing psychic attacks, which were robbing me of the little energy I had left, I began receiving warning signs, divine cues about what was going on, but I could not pinpoint it with certainty. You became cold, emotionally absent, burying yourself in more productivity when I was around, with beautiful and wise teachings that filled our blog with beauty and light, but something was boiling under the surface, because light is not supposed to build walls and you were frantically building them, enclosing yourself somewhere where I could not reach you. I started noticing other patterns of behavior too, but you became a master of concealment, so elegantly and efficiently that I could not prove anything. Through my dreams I started receiving even more signs, I confronted you several times, but the strength of your masculine ego matches your purity and you could not be cracked open. Through your poisoned perception you even started to see me almost as an enemy, targeting me, accusing me sometimes of insane things, of supposedly not wanting to see the purity and harmony of all. Still your love never died, but it was often accompanied with inflicting pain on me. My despair grew with each passing month, my own health deteriorating, I was on a road to almost self-annihilation. I prayed and prayed for protection and healing.

Then, some time ago came an act of God, I cannot describe it otherwise, which you also recognized as such and something began to shift in you. I felt you resisting something that was obviously deeply hooked in you, I felt your pain, I saw your beautiful shiny eyes becoming dark and bleak, at times you denied yourself necessary nourishment or sleep, you were struggling, your light was almost diminishing. Can the sun ever lose its light and warmth? Yes, when star death is imminent. But you did not die, you became gentler and softer with me, the tender man I have been loving for almost half of my life. The psychic attacks towards me started subsiding. But still you would not let me in and yet I was so grateful that we were entering more peaceful times, although I could still feel hooks in you. Several months passed by. Then came some serious situations regarding my mother and we both were very occupied and my loving and helpful husband was again there by my side. The little blogging time you had left was now truly offered up to Source, to true light and love.

After the multiple problems with my mother were dealt with and we were back again in our own home, after a while you started struggling again against something that seemed to exercise an even stronger pull on you. I started fearing for your well-being, and at the same time I felt fed-up and totally done. Then another crisis involving my mother appeared and I concentrated now solely on this, leaving you completely in the hands of God, since I could no longer do anything for you and you were still resisting all my efforts to get through to you.

And then about two months ago, when time was right and you were ripe to be cracked open, divine intervention came. Swiftly, totally unexpectedly and with the might of a supernova explosion, finally burning off the rest of your hooks, your dark spots, your illusions, everything came to light, everything was purged. A veil was lifted from your eyes and you could finally see clearly again, you could see me again and the sacrilege of the whole situation. I am grateful and in awe.

Beloved brothers and sisters of Leon,

before me stands a changed man, more beautiful than ever with his true light restored again. Of course there is still much working through to be done, a lot of healing to take place, after all this whole situation has been torturing us for some years. And I was mortified to hear from Leon’s own lips that even our beautiful blog had been desecrated, as he on a few occasions misused it to convey cryptic messages of desire and adolescent fantasies to the one who was abusing so much her own powers and turning another light of God into something dark and obscene. Unfortunately some psychic attacks are still taking place on occasion, causing Leon and me to feel sick and having twisted dreams, so I would like to send out a plea to you, to all of you who have loved and supported Leon all these years, to pray for us, for healing and protection. The transgressor will be dealt with by God. No deed goes unnoticed by God.

Gratefully, Plutonia

Presence before we fell

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God sometimes gifts His children
with hearts so open they can merge
with all of His creation
till bliss becomes a curse

and beautifully we turn around
through self-made veils of hell

It’s always here, our home divine
Presence before we fell
God always gifts His children
with Love no words can tell

Confession: Infidelity in the spirit

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My wife’s beloved eyes

overshadowed
by shock and pain

How could I ever
How could I

No one who has committed infidelity just stumbled into it – it is not a hole in the road. Infidelity happens by giving in a little wiggle room at a time, a few too many glances, a few too many shared moments, a few too many encounters, even if only through the digital world. It often starts innocently and unintentionally by seeking out pure spiritual connections and you end up making excuses for yourself for formerly unthinkable courses of action.

The consequences are painful and utterly humbling. I am so deeply sorry. A valuable lesson has been learned. God have mercy for my humanity. Angels keep us enfolded.

Leon

Deep joy to all

Imperfection
makes perfection
if we see with eyes of God

If we could, that is

We cannot

Grace by stages leads us Home

It takes diligence and patience
Progress then may well speed up
Be our vision ever Godward
Know we’re carried through the dark

Deep peace to you

Leon and Plutonia

Tackling its program

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I find myself more and more teaching what seems most essential; to help people access intelligent and comfortable awareness. If this awareness becomes a steady orientation, it’s possible to live and grow in this personal world; here is a sense of safety with its fundamental goodwill. The tricky detail being that it is not personal; it’s before the personal conditions arise.

And this means that the sources of the programs and attitudes that become a person get revealed: dis-ease, restlessness and having to do something, or feeling guilty and inadequate that one isn’t doing (or in fact being) whatever it is that one should be – while not knowing what that is. Not that any of that is your fault. Essentially this dukkha (suffering) is not personal, not specific; and it isn’t resolved by doing anything other than tackling its program. It’s non-specific because its source is the pressurised space of one’s unsettled awareness. That then colours everything that the personality forms out of.

– Ajahn Sucitto

Returning

Our sinful mind separates

Our full-of-separation mind sins

Which causes which

Separation is only in the mind

We try to retrain our perception
while the very experiment of incarnating
has us perceiving from a fragmented perspective

There is no hurry
There is no time
Only the eternal now

At our ease now
Only in the moment
Retrain
Refocus
Return

I love you my God

In everything

💜 Leon and Plutonia 💜

ανήκουμε / we belong / gehören wir

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Τὸν δὲ ἀσθενοῦντα τῇ πίστει προσλαμβάνεσθε, μὴ εἰς διακρίσεις διαλογισμῶν. ὃς μὲν πιστεύει φαγεῖν πάντα, ὁ δὲ ἀσθενῶν λάχανα ἐσθίει. ὁ ἐσθίων τὸν μὴ ἐσθίοντα μὴ ἐξουθενείτω, καὶ ὁ μὴ ἐσθίων τὸν ἐσθίοντα μὴ κρινέτω· ὁ Θεὸς γὰρ αὐτὸν προσελάβετο. σὺ τίς εἶ ὁ κρίνων ἀλλότριον οἰκέτην; τῷ ἰδίῳ Κυρίῳ στήκει ἢ πίπτει· σταθήσεται δέ· δυνατὸς γάρ ἐστιν ὁ Θεὸς στῆσαι αὐτόν. ὃς μὲν κρίνει ἡμέραν παρ’ ἡμέραν, ὃς δὲ κρίνει πᾶσαν ἡμέραν. ἕκαστος ἐν τῷ ἰδίῳ νοῒ πληροφορείσθω. ὁ φρονῶν τὴν ἡμέραν Κυρίῳ φρονεῖ, καὶ ὁ μὴ φρονῶν τὴν ἡμέραν Κυρίῳ οὐ φρονεῖ. καὶ ὁ ἐσθίων Κυρίῳ ἐσθίει. εὐχαριστεῖ γὰρ τῷ Θεῷ· καὶ ὁ μὴ ἐσθίων Κυρίῳ οὐκ ἐσθίει, καὶ εὐχαριστεῖ τῷ Θεῷ. οὐδεὶς γὰρ ἡμῶν ἑαυτῷ ζῇ, καὶ οὐδεὶς ἑαυτῷ ἀποθνῄσκει· ἐάν τε γὰρ ζῶμεν, τῷ Κυρίῳ ζῶμεν, ἐάν τε ἀποθνῄσκωμεν, τῷ Κυρίῳ ἀποθνῄσκομεν. ἐάν τε οὖν ζῶμεν ἐάν τε ἀποθνῄσκωμεν, τοῦ Κυρίου ἐσμέν.
~ Προς Ρωμαίους 14,1-8

Τον δε αδύναμο στην πίστη του (που κάνει διακρίσεις μεταξύ τροφίμων και μεταξύ ημερών) να τον δέχεστε μεταξύ σας, χωρίς να σχολιάζετε τις αντιλήψεις του. Άλλος πιστεύει ότι μπορεί να τρώει τα πάντα, ενώ ο αδύναμος τρώει μόνο λαχανικά. Αυτός που τρώει απ’ όλα ας μην αντιμετωπίζει με περιφρόνηση όποιον δεν τρώει, και όποιος δεν τρώει ας μην καταδικάζει αυτόν που τρώει, διότι ο Θεός τον έκανε δικό του. Ποιος είσαι εσύ που θα καταδικάσεις ξένο υπηρέτη; Μόνο ο κύριός του αποφασίζει αν πάει καλά ή όχι, αν στέκεται ή πέφτει. Και ο υπηρέτης του Θεού θα σταθεί, διότι ο Θεός έχει τη δύναμη να τον κάνει να σταθεί. Άλλος τιμά τη μια μέρα ως ιερότερη από την άλλη, άλλος τιμά όλες τις μέρες ως εξ ίσου ιερές. Ο καθένας ας ενεργεί πλήρως σύμφωνα με τη δική του συνείδηση. Εκείνος που τιμά μια ορισμένη μέρα, για χάρη του Κυρίου την τιμά (επειδή νομίζει ότι έτσι είναι το θέλημα του Θεού), αλλά και εκείνος που δεν τιμά τη μέρα, για χάρη του Κυρίου δεν την τιμά (επειδή και αυτός νομίζει ότι έτσι είναι το θέλημα του Θεού). Το ίδιο όποιος τρώει απ’ όλα, τρώει επειδή θέλει να τιμήσει τον Κύριο, αφού ευχαριστεί τον Θεό όταν τρώει· αλλά και εκείνος που δεν τρώει απ’ όλα, για να τιμήσει τον Κύριο δεν τρώει, γι αυτό ευχαριστεί και αυτός τον Θεό. Κανένας μας άλλωστε δεν ζει για τον εαυτό του, και κανένας μας δεν πεθαίνει για τον εαυτό του. Γιατί όταν ζούμε, ζούμε για τον Κύριο, και όταν πεθαίνουμε, πεθαίνουμε για τον Κύριο. Είτε λοιπόν ζούμε είτε πεθαίνουμε, στον Κύριο ανήκουμε.

~ Προς Ρωμαίους 14,1-8
As for the one who is weak in faith (who distinguishes between food items and between days), do accept them among you, without quarreling over debatable issues. One person believes it is right to eat all kinds of food, while another, who is weak, eats only vegetables. Let the one who eats everything not treat with contempt the one who does not, and let the one who does not eat everything not judge the one who does, because God has accepted that person. Who are you to judge another person’s servant? Only the master decides if the servant is doing well or not. And the Lord’s servant will do well, he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person thinks that one day is more sacred than another; another person considers all days as equally sacred. Let each one act according to their own conscience. Those who observe one day as special, they do that for the Lord. The one who eats meat does so in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, and the one who abstains does so in honor of the Lord and also expresses his gratitude to God. For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we are living for the Lord; and if we die, we are dying for the Lord. So living or dying, we belong to the Lord.

~ Romans 14:1-8
Nehmt den, der in seinem Glauben schwach ist und meint, sich an bestimmte Vorschriften halten zu müssen, ohne Vorbehalte an; streitet nicht mit ihm über seine Ansichten. Der eine ist zum Beispiel davon überzeugt, alles essen zu dürfen. Der andere, der in seinem Glauben schwach ist und Angst hat, sich zu versündigen, isst nur pflanzliche Kost. Wer alles isst, darf den nicht verachten, der nicht alles isst. Und wer nicht alles isst, darf den nicht verurteilen, der alles isst. Gott hat ihn doch genauso angenommen wie dich. Wenn du ihn verurteilst, ist es, wie wenn du dich zum Richter über jemand machst, der im Dienst eines anderen steht. Wer bist du, dass du dir so etwas anmaßt? Ob jemand mit seinem Tun bestehen kann oder ob er nicht besteht, das zu beurteilen ist einzig und allein Sache seines Herrn, dem er verantwortlich ist. Und der Diener des Herrn wird bestehen, denn es steht in der Macht des Herrn, ihn zu bewahren. Der eine macht einen Unterschied zwischen heiligen Tagen und gewöhnlichen Tagen; der andere macht keinen solchen Unterschied. Wichtig ist, dass jeder mit voller Überzeugung zu dem stehen kann, was er für richtig hält. Wenn jemand bestimmte Tage besonders beachtet, tut er das, um den Herrn zu ehren. Genauso ist es bei dem, der alles isst: Er tut das, um den Herrn zu ehren, denn für das, was er isst, dankt er Gott. Und auch der, der bestimmte Speisen meidet, tut das, um den Herrn zu ehren; auch er isst nichts, ohne Gott dafür zu danken. Keiner von uns lebt für sich selbst, und auch wenn wir sterben, gehört keiner von uns sich selbst. Wenn wir leben, leben wir für den Herrn, und auch wenn wir sterben, gehören wir dem Herrn. Im Leben wie im Sterben gehören wir dem Herrn.

~ Römer 14:1-8

💜🙏🙏💜

in Thy garden

sometimes souls are cloud heart shapers
thrilled with seeing nature shift
we don’t see our love’s conditions
each cloud has own destiny

slowly cleansing karmic actions
is like prayerful sips of tea
pruning keeps intact our purpose
our intended size in Thee

each leaf now be celebrated
quietly, meditatively

🍵💞🍵
Leon and Plutonia

Quiet pursuing

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Children love to play with the spinning tops – the wooden toys with a metal point, set in motion by pulling a piece of string wrapped around them. Even as they spin rapidly, they appear to be motionless – as in a state of deep meditation. Similarly, one can also lead an intensely active and fully productive life, even while pursuing a contemplative, spiritual journey.

From free e-book IN SEARCH OF PAPA, “Beloved Papa” as Swami Ramdas is endearingly addressed by his innumerable devotees.